Understanding Good Jewish Parenting Through the Lens of Brain Development

It may seem basic, but it bears repeating here. Kids are not little adults.  Children’s developing brains go through stages of maturation. So, parents who expect their children to think and act like adults should learn the science.

Brain activity in children is different than in adults. A newborn’s brain has billions of neurons, but there is little transmission between them because there are few neural connections. From birth onwards, the child’s neural connections are rapidly formed as a direct result of actual sensory experiences. The impact of the environment on the structure and functioning of the brain is life-long, but is most extremely intense during the first three years of life. The child’s early experiences are literally hard-wired into the brain. In addition, the child’s brain development is strongly influenced by genetics as well as the child’s stage of the developmental maturation. Until age 25, the child’s brain has still not fully developed. The pre-frontal cortex, the center for intellect, logic, reasoning and impulse control, is the last area of the brain to fully mature. The latter is the reason that teens and young adults are often known to have difficulty fully understanding the consequences of their actions and exercising sound judgment.

What are the implications of this information? Here are a few. The young child, in the process of building their neural connections, requires a rich sensory environment for feeding all the senses. Time and space is needed for the child to process the information in her own way. Children have an inborn drive to explore their environments, using whatever tools are available to overcome deficits in their “programming”. They are little scientists, whose emphasis is as much on the process of discovery as on drawing their own cause-and-effect conclusions. For physical and cognitive skills, practice is the key to mastery. Thus, parental patience and encouragement during the child’s endless repetitions of a new task is very important. Parents who purposely do not interfere with natural children’s messiness and clumsiness are supporting their children’s need for experiential learning. (Overlooking messes does not mean cleaning them up. Children learn from cleaning up their own “work” environments.)

Aside from physical and cognitive development, the emotional development of the child is also a brain function. Through dedicated time spent together with parents and other significant adults, the child develops healthy attachments, and learns about himself and his ability to relate to other people. Healthy attachment with loving adults creates a feeling of safety in an otherwise overwhelming world. This secure feeling enhances the child’s brain’s ability to focus on the development of higher intellectual function. Without this feeling of safety, the child must be vigilant and focus on more basic survival needs. Survival needs are processed in lower parts of the brain Throughout childhood, the brain functions best when there are clear, consistent, predictable expectations, positive, calm, and responsive verbal interactions, and a stable, loving care-giving environment.

In the context of normal human brain development, designating one-on-one time with your child and creating predictable boundaries for her behaviors will support both her cognitive and emotional development. The family that consciously structures itself around the very real needs of its growing children is applying the results of brain research and using those results towards their highest possible purpose.

© by Debbie Katz. All rights reserved

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Want to ask a question?  Click on the Ask Debbie page at the top of the blog to submit your questions!

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Working as a Team (Question 1)

In my last blog entry, we briefly discussed the innate differences in approaches to living that are based on personal styles within a family. There we mentioned that understanding these variations can be extremely helpful when people live together. This week, I would like to address myself to the question posed in the Ask Debbie section by a West Coast mother of four. The husband and wife have widely differing reactions to the daily realities of living with growing children.

Dad has a goal orientation. He is uncomfortable with his children’s inherent unpredictability and messiness and believes the kids can learn how to “act right” by being told to do so. He “teaches” by punishing disobedience. His goal is to get his children to abide by adult norms in his adult centered household.

Mom has a process approach to life. She observes her children’s individual styles of exploration, studies basic child development and tries to gain the children’s cooperation through negotiation. Her expectation is that the household will be primarily child centered.

Aside from differences in personal style (goal versus process orientations), there is also a difference between the ways the two parents understand the parent-child relationship itself. Dad believes the parent is the one who should hold all (or most of ) the power in the parent-child relationship. He decides if its play time or serious time and he sets the performance standards. His understanding is that his young children will feel more secure and perform well in life because of the structure he is providing. Mom describes herself as “laid back” and “less confrontational”. The likelihood is that she is more flexible in her approach and shares power much more easily with the children. Her priorities may be to create close connection with the children and to encourage creativity. Dad runs of a high risk of discouraging honest communications with the kids. Mom runs the risk of not setting clear enough boundaries.

Asking about “right” and “wrong” gets us into trouble. A better question would be “What would be the most nurturing childhood experience for the children?”

Here are some healthy parenting principles:

* Kids need clear behavioral limits delivered in a calm tone of voice.
* All kids, at every age, must treated with respect.
* Parents should talk to their kids a lot. Children get very valuable information from their parents’ longer life perspective.
* Kids must be granted the ability to explore, make noise and messes, and take risks so they can learn about themselves and their worlds by trial and error.
* Although punishments bring compliance, they are almost never good teaching tools because they always break connection and usually produce at least some resentment. Employing logical or natural consequences when children breach limits is a far more constructive and effective approach to teaching responsible behavior.
* For most of everyday life, the nurturing household ends up functioning as a child centered unit. That said, on special occasions, kids can profit tremendously by listening in on the adult world and, if appropriate, being asked to contribute their own thoughts.

There is no one correct answer to the question: “Which approach is right”. The best parenting approach for this family—and for every family—starts with an individualized parenting plan that takes into account the parents’ unique blend of personal styles, parenting values and individual strengths. In addition, the parents have to learn basic parenting principles and practice nurturing techniques for appropriately managing the everyday as well as the unexpected.

When parents work as a team, their combined strengths synergize, providing a better childhood experience for their kids than either could provide alone.

Thanks for the question. Let’s have some more!

© by Debbie Katz. All rights reserved.

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